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I was going through some papers, clearing out stuff I don't need, and I found this birthday card I got years ago from some people I worked with. Though it is more suitable for a man, as will be seen in the verse, it's still hysterical and gave me a much needed laugh. Here it is:



"I don't know when your birthday is, but....





May the bleeding piles torment you

And corns adorn your feet

And crabs as big as cockroaches

Crawl around your balls and eat...

And when you're old and feeble

And your minds a total wreck,

May you fall right through your asshole

And break your goddamn neck."



heh heh.

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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
01:53 Apr 26 2009

LMAO.

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Sinora
10:43 Apr 26 2009

Hmmm yea, I can see you made alot of friends there hon lol

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One of our most regular customers drove up to our drive up window, and he had his dog, a big golden retriever, in the car with him.



As dogs do at drive up windows, he stuck his head out looking for a treat.



I said "Can I pet your dog?"



Customer: "you can pet my dog, if I can pet your cat."



*coughs*

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Corpseflower
03:14 Apr 25 2009

...WOW.

*slap*

XD

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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
07:02 Apr 25 2009

EXACTLY. smack.

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Have you ever read a profile where the lady names someone as her Master, goes on and on about him, how wonderful he is and all this, then you go to his profile and there is absolutely NOTHING about his lady on it?



If there is one thing I know about the lifestyle, it's that a Master is proud of his subbie or slave. He shows her off, he is happy she belongs to him! He should have no problem naming her on his profile.



Ladies, check your man's profile. If he can't be bothered to name you or claim you, odds are he's cheating. Kick him to the curb and move along.



The same thing, I should hasten to mention, relates to both sexes.



I know of at least two "Masters" on here who don't have a thing about their subs on their profiles. They have messaged me trying to cyber! Ack. Not good at all.

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Bloodmother
23:22 Apr 19 2009

I learn so much from you, CM!!! Seen those profiles, but I lose interest quickly. Betcha they had to ask permission to post their Master's name, too.



So re. online slaves, how exactly does that work? Does it mean I have to give my master all my semicolons if he asks for them, or what?

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sahahria
04:23 Apr 20 2009

Nope not good, but oh so very typical. A book for those subs to read (although it does not have a chapter on online romance if it did this would be in it):



He's just not that into you...

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meeper
17:10 Apr 20 2009

You've got it all wrong CM. The submissives must be faithful and filled with undying love and loyalty. Masters are only in charge of carrying a big stick and living up to the crudest stereotypes. It's all in the cliffnotes of online bdsm.

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ThothLestat
16:52 Apr 21 2009

Ive heard the stick isn't that big.

*snicker*

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I am SO stressed. The last two days at work have been incredible. Late Wednesday our boiler, which provides steam to run the cleaning machines and presses, broke down, and we have spent the last two days trying to get it to work.



We had two different companies come look at it. One said we needed a valve that a company in Chicago made, so my bosses drove down there to get one. Came back, installed the valve....nothing. Another guy looked at it and said we needed a piece that was in Rockford. So off my bosses go to get that, and of course it doesn't work.



Meanwhile the clothes are piling up. We have been telling customers as they drop off, warning them that we are down for repairs so it will take awhile to get their clothes back. They tend to forget this, and come back wanting their clothes. Then they get all pissed off because their clothes aren't done. One guy tonight had me winkle out 8 pieces of his order so he could take them elsewhere. I had to stay late, because finding 8 different pieces amongst piles of garments takes awhile. There are about 800 pieces right now that need doing.



Tomorrow, our friendly cross town competitor will do our clothes for us, till we can get our boiler fixed. If worse comes to worse, we will either clean and press on Saturday, or get a new boiler.



And....wouldn't you know? I was supposed to have this Saturday off. Kiss that goodbye.



ARGGGGHH!

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Sinora
08:25 Apr 17 2009

Why don't you use the steam coming out of your ears ? lol

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TheeLadyHawk
00:23 Apr 18 2009

Ugggggg sorry darlin.

that sounds terrible. I promise not to bitch about my job anymore.

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Geezers. What is it with members who rate you over and over, merely to show off their latest ratings stamp?



Stop being such a show-off. Go rate something you haven't done yet. Rating people over and over merely to show off your handiwork is ridiculous.

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chrysanthemia
02:50 Apr 15 2009

I've had the same rate stamp forever. I even used it before I changed my username, and could still use it because it doesn't have my name on it. And I made it all by myself, with photos that I took, so it's all my imagery.



Mine's so great though. Original and sexy. I love to show it off! Lmao.

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sahahria
04:22 Apr 20 2009

Some do that simply because as you level up your "rate" increases in how it affects the profile. Woot to all the math Cancer's put into both the level system and how that affects "powers" here on VR :D

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How wonderful...*big exhale*..the captain of that cargo ship being held captive by pirates is safe!



The same cannot be said for the pirates. Under orders from our President, Navy Seal snipers opened fire on them and they were killed.



YAY!!

You can tell there was a full moon recently. People acting wierder than usual. The first customer I had to deal with today at work was a swearing, steaming asshat. He tried to claim he didn't know what the price was going to be..all the while handing me the claim check which had the price already on it! (We do give prices in advance on the claim check if the customer wants.) So I had to throw him out.



Then, around lunch time, my boss shows up. WITH LUNCH. He never buys lunch for me. Ever. I always buy for him but it's never reciprocated. So he either got a big case of the guilts or something, I dunno, but we had a nice lunch. He brought his dog, which I love, and he let me walk her around outside so she could do her business.



After work I went to the pet shop to get some bird food. I went into the bird room to visit the inmates, and immediately four cockatiels squawked and started walking up and down their perch, as they do when they get excited. The closer I came the more they nodded their heads and started climbing around inside the cage. I found out they were new additions, hand fed babies..damn I nearly went home with one. They were adorable.



Did my grocery shopping and came home to find a tenant's meeting in progress. I live in a 50 unit apartment complex, and some of the newer, younger tenants had been reported to the landlord for making WAY too much noise. Slamming doors at all hours, punching walls, playing loud music all night..you know the sort of thing. So we had a tenant's meeting, complete with police officer, who explained the city noise ordinance and said no tenant may disrupt or piss off any other tenant..i.e. if your music is loud enough to be heard in another apartment, turn it the fuck DOWN. Every tenant had to sign that they understood the noise ordinance, which states that from 10 pm to 6 am you need to turn down your TV, stereo, whatever, so people can sleep. If you can hear the boom boom of bass or someone is having a late party, you call the police, they come and issue a citation. If they are called again, it is eviction.



Then, and this is was good, the landlord demonstrated how to open and close a door without slamming. Apparently some people had slammed their door so hard they cracked the door frame! The young folks in the building don't believe their noise is audible in any other apartment. Well, it is. And some of us who are trying to sleep, so we can get up in the morning, don't care to hear "WELL FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!" at 2 am, followed by a door slamming so hard your pictures fall down. (True story).



Methinks it will be a tad quieter around here now. Let's hope so.

A woman came into my job the other day that I used to work with a few years ago at another place. It was a cross stitch design studio, and we all loved it there. Great bosses, everyone helped each other out. If the owners hadn't retired and sold the company I would still be there.



She reminded me of the year I made four King Tut heads. I'll never forget that. Most of us who worked there (it was all women) were mad for cross stitch and I am no exception. I usually have one big project going, two smaller ones, and a box full of ones yet to start. Typical. Anyway, we all used to stitch on our lunch hours and show off our projects. I had this huge head of King Tut, on navy blue cloth, using gold and copper metallic threads. It was stunning. Everyone oohed and aahed over it and one day someone asked me what I was going to do with it.



"I don't know, maybe frame it and put it on my wall somewhere," I said. One of the other ladies said "Um...could I buy it from you? I'd love to give that as a gift for my husband who is into King Tut."



Well, I was a bit upset as I had gotten quite attached to the design, but what the hell, I said ok and hurried up with it so she could have it for her husband's birthday. When I was almost done, one of my other co-workers kind of shyly handed me a package.



"I've been watching you make that, and I was wondering..would you do one for me?"



Inside the package was....another King Tut head, identical to the one I'd just done. Now, when a stitcher finishes one project she likes to do something different! But here was this friend, begging for a King Tut. What was I gonna do?



Right. I made another one. Each one took a couple months to do, after work and on weekends.



As I was finishing that one, and happy to be seeing the end of King Tut...one of the office secretaries came up to me and handed me a package.



Yup. Another one. And one besides that.



Oy vey.



Well, I finished all four and sent them off to happy homes. Each person got them framed and invited me over to see the finished result, and I must say they did look pretty good, even the last one, when I was so sick of the design I never wanted to see it again!



As my former co-worker was reminding me of that (she was one I made the Tut for) I suddenly got all nostalgic. I don't have a King Tut head in my project box, but I do have an Egyptian sampler that I want to do.



And this time, I'm keeping it for myself!

I get annoyed sometimes when I'm watching Hell's Kitchen. I mean, I love watching Gordon Ramsay lay into some of the people who fuck up and lose it....but some of the people on there shouldn't even BE on there.



Producers must be casting in order to get people to watch, so they cast some real ding-dongs. For a chance to be head chef at a prestigious hotel, you'd think there would be a ton of talented people just busting their balls. And they cast people who have very little kitchen experience, or people who have no idea what it means to work in a professional kitchen.



I have half a mind to enter for the next series. I know I'd be the oldest one by a mile and I wouldn't make it to the end..but hell, I could at least show these young un's how a pro works. Hmmm... I'd better get into my kitchen and start practising. Lol.